Walking By Vision Not By Sight
About YKTPC | About Ricky Wong | Motivation Training | Corporate Training | Contact Ricky Wong | Inspirational Movies | Inspirational Quotes |
On the J-O-B. That's where I met him. Quentin Cole was his name. Everyone called him Q for short. Q was an extremely attractive man. He was 6'2", had the waviest-curliest-jet-black hair that you ever saw. This man had the deepest dimples, hazeliest of green eyes, and a physique to die for. He always dressed well and smelled so, so g-o-o-d. WOW!
Eventually Q and I somehow connected, and as time went on we began a dating relationship that lasted for several years. Ultimately Q ended up living with my children and me. They were about 6 and 7, I think. Q, my son and daughter would often engage in wrestling and play time. They all enjoyed this time spent together.
Q was originally from Pennsylvania so he only lived with me during the week. On weekends, he packed up what little belongings he had at my apartment and went to Pennsylvania to visit his parents and children.
My children used to visit their dad every other weekend. During one of their visits, and also this being one of the last two years of my relationship with Q, was when I had my first insight to his darker side.
Q loved to frequent bars and I guess because he was a DJ part-time he kinda-sorta got used to that environment. I was never a heavy drinker so I did not particularly care for that set. I had grown to care for Q, more than I wanted to admit so I would just go just to appease him. Besides I actually loved and respected this man. Did I say respected? Besides, if I told him that I did not want to go, he would complain so much that I would eventually give in and go anyway.
I lost so much of myself being in a relationship with Q. One evening after leaving a bar, we came home to my apartment. It must have been after 2 or 3 a.m. because the bar was closing as we were leaving. I was tired and a little tipsy also. Q always encouraged me to drink whenever we went out. If I did not he would get extremely wound up. I remember one night after coming home, Q was in the living room watching the television. I had taken off my clothes, showered, went back into the bedroom, closed the door but for a tiny crack, turned off the lights and climbed into bed and began to drift off to sleep.
Because I was not a heavy drinker, it only took a couple of drinks and I was off to la-la land. I do not recall how long I had been asleep before Q came in. He forced the door open with such power that he put a hole through the wall directly behind the doorknob. I awoke startled. I did not know what time it was but from the stinging feeling in my eyes I knew it had to be very early in the morning. I turned my back to him and attempted and go back to sleep. Q became really infuriated. He began yanking the covers off of me; he then forced me to lie on my back and straddled me. During this time, I must have been about 5'5" and 115 lbs. Q weighed about 190 lbs. As I mentioned previously, he was a little-over 6 feet.
"What are you doing?" I shrieked. I learned early in the relationship to speak calmly when addressing him, even if I was extremely angry. As I said before, he was usually a pretty nice guy but when he was angered, he turned into Mr. Hyde himself. He kept ranting about wanting me to get up and cook. I took a quick glance at the clock on the dresser and informed him that it was 4 a.m. That didn't matter to Q. He wanted what he wanted when he wanted it. Me being the rational one was not getting up at 4 a.m. to cook for ANYONE, and I told him so. Why did I ever say that? That remark warranted a swift punch in my upper thigh. The moment that I was struck began my cataclysmic plunge into the treacherous world of abuse. I was stunned and shocked. Q's behavior was not conducive to the actions of a man that loved and adored his woman as he repeatedly told me. Q didn't love me or anyone else. Q didn't love Q. I came to realize this later.
Whenever I would rewind that night inside my head I would ask myself one question. Why me?
Q was still straddled over me and now he was reaching toward my eyes. I didn't know what or why he was reaching at them so I started smacking his hand away. We began to tussle. Q was a third degree black belt and he was as strong as an ox. Eventually he over powered me, (which was easy to do considering how tiny I was); he pinned my arms behind my back (mind you he still straddled me), and to my surprise he held my eyelids open so that I could not blink. THIS MAN ACTUALLY SQUEEZED MY EYELIDS AND HELD THEM OPEN SO THAT I COULD NOT BLINK!! (Can you imagine being awakened at 4 a.m., having someone straddle your body, and have your eyelids forced to remain open?). How is one NOT to blink??? Truth really IS stranger than fiction. This was pure psychodrama in the raw. While he held my eyelids open he kept asking me "are you gonna get up and cook me something to eat now? I could not believe this was happening to ME. He kept going on and on about how he wanted me to cook for him and since I continued to refuse, he was not going to allow me to sleep. Think it stops here? It doesn't.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, he got off of me. I said nothing to him hoping that this devastating scenario had ended. I was focusing on the throbbing sensation that was coming from my thigh.
I eyed Q as he went to the closet, neatly hung up his clothes and changed into a sweat suit and sneakers. He lunged towards the bed and pounced on it. He pulled me off of the bed dragging me to the floor feet first. The back of my head hit the floor with a thud. At this point I was dumbfounded and truly petrified. Being abused was foreign to me. I was never abused before in my LIFE. This was something new to me. This type of stuff you only read or saw in the movies right? I concluded if I was quiet and did not resist him, he would get discouraged and leave me alone. Fat chance, who was I kidding?
Q grabbed the extension cord that just happened to conveniently be on top of the dresser. I could have punched MYSELF for having left it on the dresser in the first place. I bought it earlier in the week to extend a cord to an outlet for SOMETHING SOMEWHERE in the house. A plain old everyday extension cord. How could something so insignificant now carry so much weight? I never looked at extension cords in the regular way for quite some time.
Q dragged my anchored body to the corner just behind my bedroom door. He turned the lights off seemingly without doubt or hesitation, and as naturally as one would breath, he walked out. He closed the door behind him consciously, as though he was exiting the bedroom of a colicky baby who had finally quieted down and fallen asleep. Q closed that door s-l-o-w-l-y and released the doorknob even slower. Not only did he leave the room, he left the apartment!
I don't remember how long I was left on the floor in the darkness that night. I do remember thinking how grateful I was that my children were visiting their dad. I knew that I was too terrified to say anything or move. I was cold and confused. I was too afraid to utter a sound. Eventually, somehow I drifted off to sleep. I awoke to snippets of daylight appearing from behind the curtains. My back felt numb from being tied up for I don't know how long. To my chagrin the rudest awakening for me was when I looked up and saw Q lying comfortably, serenely, in MY bed. Whereas I remained on the floor behind MY door in captivity.
Once he awoke and saw me lying on the floor tied up (I was now in tears), he jumped up and ran over and began to untie me. He hugged and kissed me and whispered apologies in my ear. He reminded me how much he loved me. "You know this is your fault", he whispered. Whenever he violated me, he never failed to tell me that it happened because it-was-my-fault. No matter what I did or did not do, it was ALWAYS MY FAULT. If you hear negativism all the time you tend to believe it. Subsequently, and from the benefit of counseling, I realized that none of it was my fault. None of it! EVER!!!!
Once when my children were home, I believe we were all in the living room watching television or playing video games. Q got angry about something. I can't remember exactly what it was that set him off THIS time. Maybe it was because the sun went down or the wind blew or something, I can't recall. He and I were seated together on the couch. Out of nowhere, without rhyme or reason, he cupped the back of my head (I thought he was going to rub the back of my neck or something), and rammed it into the wall. Out of the clear freaking blue he did this! As I fell to the floor I heard my daughter cry out "MOMMY", and my son made a hissing sound. At this time, they knew all too well how erratic Q's temper was. Although I am sure that they wanted to run to my rescue, their intellect told them to stay put. Thank God for that. I didn't want them to see me cry so I sat there holding my head. I felt like such a fool.
I remembered feeling dim-witted coupled with dishonor because my children witnessed what was happening to me. I felt blameworthy. Witnessing the maltreatment that was being inflicted upon me was stripping them of their innocence. Miracuously, this was the "hub" that launched the indestructible bond between my children and me.
We grew to hate Q based upon the way that he controlled each of us, chiefly me. Although he never hit my children, he sometimes disregarded them. In my opinion that was just a speckled form of abuse.
After he left, I would go to my two and together we would laugh and talk about how silly Q's behavior was. I would always remind them that Q was the one with the problem, not us. I insured them that soon we would rid ourselves of him. I always meant what I said, and always said what I meant. This time was no different. They were reassured and entrusted that we would one day be free from the fury of Q.
My primary concern was ALWAYS to protect my children and their emotional esteem, so I adhered to what ever he did to me in silent seclusion.
During this period I endured Q's abuse. Which now escalated to getting punched harder in the thigh or having my arm-twisted until I heard the joint crack. Once when I was walking away from him he actually kicked me in my butt. My coccyx bone throbbed for months afterward. Another time I was choked to the point of passing out, only to awaken to his voice telling me that I had "faked" being unconscious in the first place. As a result, I was promptly whacked in the head with his shoe. What a jerk he was!!
Getting socked in the breast or any place where a bruise could be hidden with clothes was a mere formality to me. Yes I was a battered woman. Even though I didn't have the black eyes, or the busted lips, I was weather-beaten still. I was humiliated to tell the few friends I had and I never thought about telling my family back home in Chicago. NEVER! For two years I never spoke about this to anyone. Being assaulted was second nature in my world. Through it all, my spirit was never broken. I knew the determination that I harbored inside of my soul. I held onto the thought of one-day escaping Q.
I surmised people would think that I was too intelligent to allow myself to be/remain in a situation such as this. Fear and doubt are very powerful, powerful emotions. I have experienced first hand just how debilitating they can be. TRUST ME!! I had to teach myself the meaning of courage during that time in order to free myself from that cataclysmic circumstance. Which is exactly what I ultimately did. I began to develop a plan for my eventual escape.
In the long run, I sought help from a therapist for myself and for my little ones. Due to the fact that I immediately came to my children to explain away what they saw in terms of how Q abused me, luckily they did not internalize on a detrimental level, what they saw.
I later learned that I was defined as a co-dependant. The therapist classified co-dependants as "some of the most loving, caring people in the entire world". As I said before, I lost myself in loving Q. Loving Q was as toxic as drinking acid.
Two women were instrumental in getting me to a safe retreat enabling me to re-establish my life. One remains a very dear friend and the other is her mother. Every time I think of these women, my heart continues to overflow. (Thank you Carolyn and Karen. I know that I have offered thanks time and time again, but I can never say it enough. You two really were my saving grace. I was reborn the moment you reached out to me.)
I moved out of my apartment during one of Q's weekend visits to Pennsylvania. I left no note, no forwarding address, nothing. I just disappeared. I heard from a mutual friend of ours when he came back from Pennsylvania the weekend that I moved away, he cried like a baby. PICTURE THAT!!! How uncanny and PARADOXICALLY UNBELIEVABLE is that?
Today, I no longer loose myself in ANYTHING, relationships, or otherwise. I used to think for years before I sought help that I was somehow damaged because I was a battered woman. So abashed was I that it took YEARS before I would share my experience with my extended family.
It took a couple of years before I finally stopped blaming myself for what happened to me. (I mastered feeling "guilt ridden" countless times in my life). In due time I was able to get past my condemnation. My self-esteem began to skyrocket to a healthy level.
Now if I see a man who stands about 6'2", has the waviest-curliest-jet-black hair, deepest dimples, hazeliest-green eyes, physique to die for, is immaculately dressed, AND smells good, sure I'm reminded of Q. For a microsecond.
Today I know that I was never the one damaged. Deplorably I cannot say the same for Q.
(C) 2005 by C.V. Harris. All rights reserved.
C.V. Harris pens with ease about the topics most would rather forget. She is a writer living in New Jersey who's passion for expressing the sentiments of love, grief and triumph can be both entertaining as well as motivating. Ms. Harris is currently working on her Memoir. Visit her Blog at http://www.onewriterwriting.blogspot.com, or e-mail her at email@example.com.
Four easy ways to boost motivation at work Yahoo Sports
How to Make Motivation Stick Thrive Global
Causey's Career Corner: Your place for job tips, motivation and career advice - Milwaukee Neighborhood News Service
Causey's Career Corner: Your place for job tips, motivation and career advice Milwaukee Neighborhood News Service
Arizona Wildcats have plenty of motivation as Oregon schools visit McKale this week - Arizona Daily Star
Arizona Wildcats have plenty of motivation as Oregon schools visit McKale this week Arizona Daily Star
How to Motivate Your Team to Get Things Done Together Business 2 Community
10 Simple Tweaks to Help you Stay Motivated at Work Thrive Global
Chris Hemsworth's Motivation To Create A Fitness App Wasn't Just Physical Showbiz Cheat Sheet
Motivating scores of youngsters Telangana Today
How to Motivate Your Team Through Stressful Times Entrepreneur
Want to be a better employee? Try desire, motivation and engagement The San Diego Union-Tribune
Inspiration vs. Motivation Jackson County Newspapers
3 Strategies to Better Motivate Your Team Entrepreneur
Motivational speaker encourages CM students to help, serve others | News, Sports, Jobs - Lock Haven Express
Motivational speaker encourages CM students to help, serve others | News, Sports, Jobs Lock Haven Express
Action Comes Before Motivation Fstoppers
Local sheriffs look to new Paducah police contract as motivation for upcoming budget workshops - WPSD Local 6
Local sheriffs look to new Paducah police contract as motivation for upcoming budget workshops WPSD Local 6
Six Tips To Stay Motivated While Working Remotely Thrive Global
Lack the motivation to exercise? Don't despair The Star Online
(VIDEOS) Long Valley robotics team captures Motivate Award in season-ending tournament - New Jersey Hills
(VIDEOS) Long Valley robotics team captures Motivate Award in season-ending tournament New Jersey Hills
Ross Taylor says his form, fitness and motivation at ..20 will determine decision to play 2023 ODI World Cup - Firstpost
Ross Taylor says his form, fitness and motivation at ..20 will determine decision to play 2023 ODI World Cup Firstpost
Following South Carolina loss, UConn women keep motivation, energy high and their eyes on the prize - Hartford Courant
Following South Carolina loss, UConn women keep motivation, energy high and their eyes on the prize Hartford Courant
Hawkeyes have added motivation against Cornhuskers Quad-Cities Online
GrandMom on Coco Gauff: I love her dearly, so Winning is not the motivation for me - Tennis World USA
Targeting Motivation Could Improve Other Negative Symptoms in Schizophrenia - Psych Congress Network
Targeting Motivation Could Improve Other Negative Symptoms in Schizophrenia Psych Congress Network
NFI Motivated to Move Forward on Electric Transport Topics Online
How to Be an Effective Motivational Speaker for Yourself Thrive Global
Crusaders defender Cameron Dummigan reveals motivation as he settles into life at Seaview - Belfast Live
Crusaders defender Cameron Dummigan reveals motivation as he settles into life at Seaview Belfast Live
Gucci Mane Shows Insane Before/After Pics + Reminds Everyone Workout Goals Are Very Doable: "Motivation!!" – - SOHH
Gucci Mane Shows Insane Before/After Pics + Reminds Everyone Workout Goals Are Very Doable: "Motivation!!" – SOHH
6 Ways to Increase Motivation Pulse Headlines
Motivational speaker to talk to students and families at Larkin High Feb. 24 Chicago Daily Herald
Rocket coach Bouchard opens motivational tool box after 5-game slide Montreal Gazette
What Video Games Get Right About Motivation Psychology Today
White Sox’ PECOTA projection can provide motivation Chicago Sun-Times
Mark Zuckerberg's calls for government censorship are motivated by profit, not principle - Washington Examiner
Mark Zuckerberg's calls for government censorship are motivated by profit, not principle Washington Examiner
Work Matters! Become self-motivated for success New Straits Times
Motivational interviewing: How physicians can reach the most challenging patients - Medical Economics
HAWTHORNE: Willpower versus motivation, part 2 Salmon Arm Observer
Memories of disappointing playoff exit motivating Braves FOX 5 Atlanta
Former paramedic becomes motivational speaker KitchenerToday.com
Westborough boys basketball staying motivated to repeat as Clark Tournament champs - MetroWest Daily News
Westborough boys basketball staying motivated to repeat as Clark Tournament champs MetroWest Daily News
How to Take Charge of Your Freelance Business to Stay Motivated Business 2 Community
Motivated by an anniversary, the NLBM plans to open its Buck O’Neil Education and Research Center later this... - The Athletic
Motivated by an anniversary, the NLBM plans to open its Buck O’Neil Education and Research Center later this... The Athletic
Boost Motivation in Schizophrenia To Improve Other Symptoms, Study Suggests Technology Networks
Motivated survivor | News McDuffie Progress
Motivational speaker to Alaska students suspected of sexual abuse of a minor, Anchorage police say - Anchorage Daily News
Motivational speaker to Alaska students suspected of sexual abuse of a minor, Anchorage police say Anchorage Daily News
Motivational speaker tonight now at 7:30 pm Rome Sentinel
Novak Djokovic motivated to have best season in 2020, but insists trophies cannot fulfill him - Sporting News AU
Novak Djokovic motivated to have best season in 2020, but insists trophies cannot fulfill him Sporting News AU
Motivating Entrepreneurship Books to Develop a Positive Mindset Industry Leaders Magazine
Pro-Life Democrats are 'Highly Motivated' for 2020 Presidential Race - The Tablet Catholic Newspaper
Pro-Life Democrats are 'Highly Motivated' for 2020 Presidential Race The Tablet Catholic Newspaper
Padres Still Motivated To Move Wil Myers RotoBaller
Importance of motivation in managing an organisation London School of Business and Finance
Police 'concerned there may be more victims' after Alaska motivational speaker arrested on child sex abuse charges - KTUU.com
Police 'concerned there may be more victims' after Alaska motivational speaker arrested on child sex abuse charges KTUU.com
Local News LDS missionary assaulted in Payson, police investigating attack as racially motivated Hector Ponce 4 - fox13now.com
Local News LDS missionary assaulted in Payson, police investigating attack as racially motivated Hector Ponce 4 fox13now.com
Representative Gil Cisneros motivated to transform politics The Daily Titan
Motivated Knights roll past Cougars | High School Sports Frederick News Post
Need for Speed Can Motivate Bears at the NFL Combine Sports Illustrated
17 More Things Ive Noticed Along the Way So Far
Three areas of life in which we get very little training, yet we all seem to have a strong opinion on: marriage, parenting and money.When all is said and done, it really is much simpler to succeed than to fail.
Pride and Prejudice Can Be Healed and Melted Away
Several years ago, my husband introduced me to some potential clients of his at a summer picnic. A few glasses of wine for me and many people seem wonderful, situations are funnier and life is more comfortable.
ABCs for High Achievers
A im for what you want by focusing clearly on priorities.B elieve in yourself and your goals, and then begin to strive for them.
Around The World On $80
Jules Vernes adventure story, Around the World in 80 Days, stimulated the imagination of 26-year-old Robert Christopher."Why," he asked himself, "can't I go around the world on $80.
Tips for Mastering Visualization Techniques
Visualization is creating a mental picture of something. Visualization is important because it makes the future become more clear.
Do Yourself A Favor--Forgive
"Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." BuddhaI can't count high enough to number the people in my clinical office and in my seminars who have argued.
Can One Person Increase Motivation in Another Person?
The answer is yes, of course, right? People motivate other people. After all, what about coaches and inspirational speakers? They are paid to motivate other people to do great things.
How To Deal With Denial
Denial is a coping mechanism commonly used when something happens that we really don't want to see. Doing this is actually quite natural.
Finding Direction: Finding Passion Series - 2 of 3
In order to find the right direction for ourselves, we have to do some soul searching. What is it I want to accomplish? Why? What kind of person do I want to become? Is it so weird to be in our thirties or forties and ask ourselves, "So, what do I want to be when I grow up?" What would make us jump out of bed excited and motivated to get the day started? Before getting into these big questions, we need to find out the roots behind our decisions.
Five Ways to Expand Your Comfort Zone
Expanding your comfort zone isn't quite the same as building self-confidence. However, the two do fit together rather nicely.
I edited and re-edited my article. I had to make sure it was just so.
Break And Move Beyond The Length Of The Chains
"Never let fear, procrastination or the longing for approval from others to take possession of your mind, they become self-forged chains." ~ Ty HowardHave you ever experienced a moment in your life where you wondered "What to do next?"Have you ever had a bolt of confidence spring into your being just as you were going to start working towards a new goal, but your comfort zone held you back?Have you ever had the feeling "It's now or never!" but you didn't make your move?If you answered "Yes" to any of the above questions, you at one time wore the self-forged chains.
Develop Guts to Achieve Glory
It is just amazing the amount of people who don't have the courage to go after their dreams.They sit around living a life they are not happy with and still they do nothing about it.
If You Dont Ask You Are Rejected, 7 Steps to Overcome that Fear of Rejection
If You Don't ask then You are Already Rejected. Many Home Based Business People are afraid of Asking Because of fear of rejection.
The Biggest Mistake Youve Made About Manifesting
What is the biggest mistake you have made aboutmanifesting your desires?You will be surprised by the answer and you probablythought it was the best thing you could do to achieveyour desires. However, this mistake has made your desires100 times more difficult to achieve.
Are you a melancholic online business owner by nature? I have something to tell you.In case you do not know what melancholy is, a melancholic person is someone who has a very detailed attitude.
Finding Yourself: Finding Passion Series - 1 of 3
We have been told that the things we don't like in our children are the same things we don't like in ourselves. We are told that we project our own flaws and issues onto our perceived enemies in an attempt to work them out within ourselves.
"There are only two ways of bringing brightness into your world; either change your attitude or open the closed doors of your brain"This holds true in all our lives; we all deserve a good & peaceful life, full of happiness. Our struggle to lead a better life and to grow everyday, both professionally and personally is highly appreciable; time and again we face situations which are highly abstruse, stress building and killer of our enthusiasm and high morale.
Prime That Pump! Part 2
In Part 1 of this article, we talked about reaching our goals as largely a matter of following through on desire, vision and action. The difficulty for most of us lies in continuing to believe that our efforts will ever bear fruit when these fruits have not yet begun to materialize.
I received an email the other day from one of our customers. "Please help.
|home | site map|
|Copyright © 2006- YKTPC.COM All Rights Reserved|